Crossroads

So... The time has come for me to make a decision on whether I am coming back to Malaga next year to teach for another year, or if I am returning home to stay. I have been accepted to work the same position at the same school for 09-10, and have little time to make my decision whether or not I want to accept it. Either way I will be spending at least a couple months at home this summer, but whether or not I return to Spain remains the question. This choice has been eating me up inside for literally the past week straight as I have been desperately trying to make up my mind and I'm SO ready to just have my mind made up and move on to the next step.

I've been talking it out with a few people and it seems like I just keep saying the same arguments, but catch me on a certain day and one side's arguments sound great when the next day they may not be so attractive. In the beginning, I would talk with my buddy Cody and think "hell, why not do it another year? With the crisis and all, it's a pretty sweet job without tons of stress while you live in Spain." Most people I spoke to planned on reapplying at least out of 'security'. Turns out maybe about half of them did, and of those none of them seem like they are going to continue. I still had a very open mind about it, and I selected the options both to remain at my school or be reassigned, but when I received my placement of the same place, I'd say I was fairly disappointed. I wasn't sure if that disappointment was solely for the lack of excitement of somewhere new, or if it was actually for the school itself, so I tried to see if I could change schools. The email I received back was a fairly ambiguous response, essentially saying that I received my wish, which I interpreted as them assigning me a new school and I freaked out. I didn't want to change schools! Soon I learned it meant I received my wish to stay at the same school and it couldn't be changed, which has brought on the new debate.

After long talks with the family, last Monday I went out for a long walk, telling myself I would return with an answer. For hours I was at a stalemate, until on my way back I got some pangs of "what am I really doing here?" I guess I thought about it in terms of moving on in my life - looking for inspiration - which I haven't really been inundated with in the life I live here. I used that as my deciding factor and headed home to inform the parents, feeling only slightly more relieved. However hearing both of their reactions, though supportive, I could tell they weren't thrilled, and it led me to question myself some more. Not that I'm worried they won't accept my decision, but as two of the people who know me the best I trust their reactions and I figured it was worth a closer look.

Tuesday, being at school completely distracted with this decision looming, I began to really start imagining my life there if I continued in Malaga. I was picturing what school would be like and my living situation. I would be way ahead of the game as the year before... already familiar with the area, the job, the students/teachers, and just how things work. Plus, I was way better at Spanish than the year before, and knowing where things are and strategies for finding apartments would put me months ahead of the game compared to the year before. It would allow me to focus on my personal goals for the year such as possibly finding a second job/volunteer opportunity, be better prepared with my class lessons, and maybe even start some sort of hands-on community service program within the school which it greatly lacks. These, and a talk with one of my favorite teachers at school got me excited for the year to come and the possibilities/changes it might bring. In 24 short hours I went from almost decided staying at home to practically decided I was staying.

Boom! Wednesday hit me like a brick wall as I made the mistake of going on AIM (instant messenger) for the first time in forever and started talking with friends... not really for advice or anything, but as I elaborated on my plans to stay and heard about others' plans, the excitement of home came calling back: the whole "unknown" of searching for other jobs or programs at home, essentially searching for a new path and just being surrounded by like-minded individuals going through similar situations. Kind of like the end of college, when everyone around you is moving on to new and different things, and everyone is sending resumes, applying here and there, and sharing info and ideas to get things flowing. Basically, it just brought me down to earth, and here is where I stand now.

Both sides seem equally enticing but for much different reasons. Going home would essentially force me to get a move on with things... start looking for the next step, make calls, send out resumes, do research, etc. Staying in Spain would give me a chance to most importantly continue improving my Spanish which can always get better, while at the same time picking up where I left off at a job I like with good people and in a very enjoyable city, and try to take more advantage of my experience. I almost wish I didn't like it so much here which would make the decision so much easier...

I kind of hoped just writing it down would help make one side more obvious than the other, and here and now it doesn't really seem that way, but maybe to someone reading this they read it a different way. I know neither decision is a bad one, and one thing I do not lack is confidence- especially confidence that either way things will work out for the best. It's just a matter of choosing one side and being content with the decision. Oh maaaaan. I'm ready to start sleeping again.