an adventure so far!

(sorry for the kind of depressing first post. It was just an odd time, but i actually felt a lot better the next day) This is the end of my 4th full day in spain, although it feels like a couple weeks already. I wish I could report that I'm having tons of fun and exploring the city and area, but really its been a lot of work so far. I'm having a good time, but I've just had SO much business to take care of. The biggest issue is, of course housing, and that's been my main focus since I arrived.

We (my friend from ucla Cody who is teaching nearby) got here wed. the 24th, and my parents were nice enough to put us up in a hotel for the first few days in order to ease the transition. It was a great hotel and I really wish I could have taken advantage of it a little more, but mainly it was just a comfortable place to sleep while we hit the ground running, looking for apartments. It was hard at first because we just spent so much time on the internet emailing anyone and everyone possible about places, but got barely any responses. Then, finally, we got cell phones and were able to call the numbers listed, and that made for much easier contact.

Friday I went out to Fuengirola where I'm gonna teach and checked out the town. It's realllly nice, but fairly catered to tourists. It looks like it has a great beach, and despite all the pale british folks walking around, its not overrun by tourists. It's mainly just one part of the city, and then the rest is pretty much just bland apartment buildings where the rest of the people live. I also visited my school, which was somewhat intimidating since they weren't expecting me yet, despite being in session. I just timidly walked up to the front gate, which was locked, so I kinda got nervous and wasn't sure if I should try to call first or just come back another day, but then I just manned up and rang the buzzer. I went in and just said hola soy william spurgeon y voy a estar de auxiliar. Before I could even finish I got passed around from staff member to staff member, before finally I was taken to the principal, who didn't know who I was, but knew that they were expecting a couple new teachers the next week. He was really nice, but didn't really know what to tell me other than a quick run down about the school, introduced me to a few other teachers, and then showed me a bulletin board with some housing options. Despite not being super organized, they were so hospitable, and i'm really glad I went to check it out instead of just showing up the first day and being thrown into it all.

But now that brings me to housing... Right now I basically am debating between either living in Malaga or Fuengirola, which would make it about a 45 min train ride each day back and forth, though I'm only working 3 or 4 days a week. I think I'm kind of leaning towards living in Malaga, because there's just so much more going on, but i really havent seen a whole lot of Fuengirola outside of my short trip there. Sooooo in Malaga, where I've been staying, I am debating between two places. If you happen to be reading this at any point before Oct. 1, let me know what you think:

1.) An apartment with 4 rooms, 2 of them occupied by a couple spanish brothers who are probably about 26 and 28. The one I spoke to was really cool and nice, but he said they both have girlfriends and work a lot, and when I asked what they do in their freetime, he basically said they don't have free time. The place is kind of old, but plenty clean and nice, and has pretty much all the standard things already you could want in a place to live. It has a nice terrace over the street, with a cool church about 100 meters up, at the end of the street.

2.) The other is essentially an international house with 15 single rooms. There's a cool outdoor patio with a bbq, and the people are from all over. A few spanish people, but mainly people from other euro countries. So, it's not living with strictly spaniards, but we would still probably have to speak spanish since its our only common language. It has a big common room and kitchen and everything, and that seems to be where everyone hangs out. oh, and did i mention its a couple blocks from the beach?!? BUT... it is about a 10-15 minute bus ride from the city center which I would probably frequent, especially weekends for going out or any large necessities. On one hand, say we want to go out to bars in malaga-central, it will likely be a bunch of us from the house going together, and we could head out together, or possibly even share cabs on the way back, but still being a 10-15 min walk to the center would be preferable. There is a grocery store and restaurants and stuff close, but really the city center is where its going on. Also don't know how reliable the buses are. But it sounds like a unique experience.

So, that's where I stand right now. But hey, I'm still alive and haven't had anything go too wrong yet. Just can't wait to be settled!!! I will feel so much better just to have a spot to rest my head and unpack, then i can get to the fun...!

refraction

It's roughly 38 hours before I leave for Spain for the year, so I have decided to give this blog a try. I have always kept a journal on my travels, starting when I was about 9 in Germany and my mom would pay me 50cents per page to just write what I was doing, knowing down the line I would appreciate it. I remember writing about going to see "Casper" in the theaters with my Uncle Bernhard, and what I thought about each of the bad ghosts, even though I didn't understand a thing they were saying. From then on I tried to write anything, even just jot a few feelings, whenever removed from home, just to see what I was like and what I was doing! I look back on any small piece of information I ever wrote down as invaluable insight and memory, much more so than any photograph could capture... However physically writing takes a lot more time than typing, and my stream of consciousness is much more accurate when the thoughts get put down as they come in, which is where typing comes in.

Today was a pretty uncomfortable day. Up until this point I had been slowly preparing (emphasis on slow) but not really focusing on the trip too much as there was so much that was out of my control until I actually got there. But mannnnn... I was just in the house all day today, knowing I should be working on my stuff. Leaving the house or going to kick it with friends at this point would've just been wrong, what with so much to do, but being at home didn't mean I had any more desire to get my packing and organization done, so really it left the entire day for solitary reflection, which produced an unfortunate stew of emotion.

The status of my life as is: I'm 22. Healthy. A degree from a good university. Good friends. Great family. Secure financially. Happy.

Happy... happy where I am, happy with what I've done, happy with where I'm headed. The idea of spending a year in Spain is filled with romanticism and fantasy, but as I face my departure, reflecting on what I have right now, it's hard not to ask, "why am I going?" I'm not escaping anything... I'm not unhappy... I don't personally feel that I need a change... so why voluntarily leave these blessings I've grown accustomed to?

I faced this same situation last year before studying abroad, except then I was actually asking myself these questions, considering throwing in the towel and just sticking with what was easiest. I come to find out the only negative feelings I had the entire time I was in Spain was raw anger at myself for even entertaining this thinking, remembering at some point that I thought about canceling and realizing that would have been developmental suicide. Seriously, I was genuinely mad at myself for being so weak as to almost give in to the temptations of comfortability and conformity.

This year, the same thoughts and feelings that lead to the former's emotionally trying period are just as present. Thankfully, I am able to recognize their presence now, having reaped the benefits of ignoring them and having a great time last year. However, that doesn't mean I feel any better. I've really just kind of been in a funk all day. It's hard to explain... it reminds me of having a strong regret or guilt, where for days every second of downtime is occupied with thoughts of that situation that you can't shake, making it worse the more you try. I think just the thought of leaving, and any sort of major change, is scary. And then right before you always have to evaluate what you are actually doing, making sure what you "have" doesn't become what you "had", followed by self-resentment. Not that I think it will, but those thoughts still exist.

My feelings at this point are so magnified by the impending voyage that they have become paralyzing to a point. I have a lot to do for when I go, but my mind automatically reverts to focus on what I'm leaving. Every new moment that passes right now is the moment that I have most loved who and what I have in my life. I am so appreciative for all my friends, my wonderful family, and I am beginning to recognize the little signs that the same way I am valuing them, they seem to value me, thus multiplying these emotions. It's incredibly heart warming and humbling to realize how lucky I am to have people who want to be friends with me, and who care enough about me to want to be in my life as I want to be in their's.

And so now, wow, the power I have with this heightened perspective was what made me want to stay last year, and what makes me want to let everyone feel it too. But I don't think that would be possible. I don't think that 6 months ago I would have been in any sort of psychological position to even have access to such a perceptive world because my life's preoccupations had no capacity to include such thinking, not with the next BS multiple choice midterm looming or a big basketball game on the weekend.

You see where I'm going? It's taken leaving to realize just how good staying could be! But now I CAN'T stay! And to those staying, my situation seems so amazing because I'm leaving. How ironic is that? A couple people say they are jealous that I'm leaving and wish they could, but I imagine if they saw their current lives as I see my (stay-at-home) life at this second, it would make them plenty satisfied. But just as I never saw it until right now, it's something I would never know if I had the opportunity to demonstrate my appreciation, because I would have never had the perspective of not having it available.

In an effort to avoid being too redundant or confusing, essentially this is what has created my shitty mood, and what imagine will stay shitty until I sit down on that plane and have no where to look but directly in front of me. But if there is even anyone reading this at any point, if anyone can even connect a little, think about it- try to visualize yourself without a person, or without your situation of comfortability, and then ask yourself "what would I miss without ____ in my life? what would I regret not having done?" I know, it's so much more easily said than done, and I don't even know if it's possible to execute effectively, but try, and see how you feel. Change is good, but that doesn't mean stability is bad. As the title of the blog comes from my friend alex: don't be a robot. As long as you remain conscious, perceptive, and aware, you are way ahead of the game. The rest will come.